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Прекрасный августовский вечер. Я проснулся от того, что мой пес лизал мне лицо. Накануне была какая-то вечеринка с приемом алкоголя в количестве, несовместимом с жизнью. Я открыл глаза. У меня было «легкое, ненавязчивое» похмелье. Выражалось оно в частичном параличе половины моего тела. То есть, правая рука и правая нога не слушались мозга. Ещё я оглох, и левый глаз перестал видеть. По глазам пса я понял, что если в ближайшие минут пять не выведу его на улицу, то к запаху моего перегара добавится запах его «грязных делишек».
Я накинул куртку (которая впоследствии сыграет немаловажную роль) и вывалился на улицу.
Я дополз до ларька. Жестами показал, что мне надо два пива. Одно из которых было уничтожено моментально. А жизнь-то по ходу налаживается... И посему решено было отправиться на прогулку в Ботанический сад. Это минут двадцать ходьбы.
И вот я на месте: собаки, люди, вечер, тепло. То ли пиво, то ли вчерашняя вечеринка, сейчас сказать трудно, но мой организм испытал первую волну. Люди, вас когда-нибудь переезжал каток? Меня в тот день переехал. Он наехал мне на голову и медленно начал двигаться по направлению к ногам. Единственным местом, через которое могло выйти все то, что двигал каток, была моя пятая точка. Холодный пот в одно мгновение покрыл все мое тело. Моя попа спросила у меня:
— Слышь, брат, а может, в туалет?
И в тот же миг волна пошла на убыль и пропала вовсе. Ну дураку понятно, что надо потихоньку идти домой. Но, с другой стороны, все прошло, жизнь прекрасна. Поэтому я прислонился к дереву и закурил.
Вторая волна пришла как ураган. Резко, мощно, она попыталась выдавить из меня все одним махом. По-моему, я даже хрюкнул. Уже второй раз за вечер холодный пот покрыл мое тело. Но и вторая волна плавно пошла на убыль. Я снова закурил... Собака мирно грызла палку, мне было хорошо. Моя правая половина тела приходила в себя, я начал слышать двумя ушами. Третья волна пришла как цунами. Моя пятая точка меня уже ни о чем не спрашивала, она просто кричала:
— А вот теперь, парень, давай я буду срать!
Глаза мои вылезли из орбит и, по-моему, даже язык вывалился изо рта. Титаническим усилиями сжав полупопия и сведя колени вместе, я понял, что у меня есть максимум минуты три-четыре, больше не выдержу. Пристегнув собаку к поводку, я ломанулся куда глаза глядят.
Люди, вы когда-нибудь пробовали бегать с плотно сжатыми полупопиями и сведенными вместе коленями? Я бежал и тащил за собой собаку. Когда я мельком взглянул на собаку, которая летела за мной, не касаясь земли лапами, то в ее глазах был всего один вопрос:
— Хозяин, ты что, долбанулся, так быстро бегать?!

Мне уже было на всё насрать в прямом смысле слова. Я готов был просто сесть и начать там, где стоял. Но сделать этого не позволяло воспитание. Майка прилипла к телу. Силы начали покидать меня. Сознание исчезло, остались только дикие инстинкты. И — о чудо! Небольшая полянка, укрытая от взоров кустами. Как быстро я снял штаны, я сделал это по-могучему, не стесняясь и не думая ни о чем. У меня было дикое расстройство желудка.
— Ой, а кто тут у нас такой красивый...
Я чуть не заорал от ужаса. Я даже чуть не ляпнул, что красивый — это я. Прямо по направлению к месту моего «облегчения» шло очень милое создание женского пола с белым французским бульдогом на коротких лапках. У меня оставалось всего два варианта. Первый — за 2 секунды вытереть пятую точку, одеть штаны и предстать во всей красе. Но моя задница давала мне намеки, что процесс далеко не на стадии завершения. Второй — продолжать сидеть в этом положении. Делать вид, что просто присел на корточки. Я выбрал второй вариант. Накинув одним движением себе на ноги курточку, я остался сидеть!
— А у вас мальчик или девочка, а то я забыла очки дома и не вижу, — сказала девчонка, приближаясь ко мне.
— У меня ма-а-а-а-а-альчик, — выдавил я из себя. Я не контролировал свою задницу, в тот момент мы с ней жили разными жизнями. Пишу эти строки и плачу. Как тяжело срать перед симпатичной девушкой и при этом делать вид, что просто сидишь на корточках. Мой пес резво играет с бульдогом по кличке Муся. Ну как можно было назвать бульдога Мусей?
— Ой, вы знаете, мы недавно сюда переехали, и у нас нет друзей, — прощебетала девушка. «Подожди, я щас, просрусь и стану тебе другом», — пронеслось у меня голове.
— У кого это у ва-а-а-а-ас, — Господи, я больше не могу!
— Так у нас с Мусей! — захихикала девушка.
У меня затекли ноги. Шла десятая минута разговора. Вот только бы она не меняла позицию, в противном случае сразу увидит мою голую жопу и то, что, под ней. А там, поверьте, было на что посмотреть.
— Ой, а вы на выставки ходите?- проворковало создание.
— Хо-о-о-оди-и-им, — простонал я.
— Ой как интересно, расскажите! — невинно хлопая глазками, пропело создание.
Пипец, это просто пипец! Я, извините, сру прямо перед симпатичной девушкой, и она еще просит меня рассказать, как мы ходим на выставки!

— Ну, мы это, чемпионы Укра-а-а-а-аины-ы-ы-ы-ы, — еще пару таких звуков, и она подумает, что мне нехорошо. А мне действительно уже не очень хорошо. Идет двадцатая минута разговора. Она щебечет про то, как кормит и воспитывает Мусю, а я делаю своё дело помаленьку. Я перестал чувствовать ноги. Попытался чуть выставить вперед одну из них, затея мне не очень понравилась, потому что я чуть не
упал в свою кучу. Пора это все прекращать, вот только как? Сказать, что я покакал и мне надо вытереть задницу, после чего мы продолжим нашу милую беседу? Нет, вариант отпал.
— Меня зовут Анжела, а вас как?- сказала девушка. Ты мне еще руку протяни, для рукопожатия.
— А меня Са-а-а-а-аша-а-а, — моя жопа окончательно решила испортить идиллию.
— Я вот гуляю утром в 10-00 и вечером в 19-00. Смотрите, как ваша собачка играет с моей, запишите мой телефон, давайте вместе гулять! — выдает создание. Если честно, очень хотелось послать ее на хрен вместе с Мусей. Но я полез в карман куртки и честно начал записывать телефон. Зашибись, снял девку, когда срал, гы-гы-гы. Но тогда мне было уже не до смеха...
Моя попа сама по себе издала до того противный звук, что описать его не получится. Я попытался скрыть эти звуки вежливым кашлем.
Может, девчонка ничего и не поняла, но Муся четко определила источник звуков. Муся не спеша затрусила прямо ко мне. Мой же пес, сволочь, лежал себе и грыз палку. В мыслях было только одно: как отогнать Мусю. Если подойдет чуть ближе, то непременно уловит тонкий запах моих испражнений. И вот тогда Муся точно решит определить истинную природу происхождения ароматов. Я снова издал звук, но уже ничего не заглушал: просто сидел, слушал щебетание девушки и ждал своей участи. Осторожно пройдя мимо меня, Муся направилась к моей попе. Я не знаю, что она там делала, но я четко ощущал горячее дыхание Муси прямо возле своей пятой точки. Мне захотелось плакать. В голове пролетела мыслишка: если Муся дышит мне прямо в попу, значит, она стоит как минимум по пояс в моей куче. Я представил себе вид этой Муси, когда она вылезет из-за меня. И офигел окончательно. Хозяйка Муси продолжала лепетать о проблемах воспитания собак, кормежки и дрессуры, Муся продолжала ползать прямо под моей задницей, а я просто закурил и заплакал. И вот именно в этой райской идиллии наступил момент истины! Тарам-пам-пам.
Четвертая волна была подобна девятому валу. Я уже не мог контролировать ни себя, ни свою жопу. Я даже не пытался сдержать эту волну. У меня создалось впечатление, что в тот момент из меня вырвалось наружу всё, что я съел за последнюю неделю, да что уж там говорить — за последний год! Муся странно хрюкнула и затихла. Я уже даже не потел, я просто ждал. Стало страшно.
— Муся, Муся, девочка иди ко мне... — встревожилась хозяйка. «А раньше, дура, ты не могла позвать свою собаку?» — пронеслось в моей затуманенной голове. Когда я увидел Мусю, я понял, что все страхи, которые я испытал до этого, были просто детским лепетом. Муся двигалась странным зигзагом, постоянно натыкаясь на палки и ветки. При этом она как-то мокро кашляла и сипела. Когда Муся проходила мимо меня, мне поплохело. Я просто очумел, а моя челюсть отвисла, кажется, до земли... Я полностью обосрал Мусю, с ног до головы. Не было видно ни глаз, ни ушей, ни рта, ни носа, ни вообще всего тела. Это был большая какашка на бульдожьих ножках...

У Вас была собака белого цвета. Но так вот теперь она у вас коричневого. Вы забыли дома очки. Что вы сделаете? Правильно, вы возьмете ее на руки, дабы определить странные перемены в окрасе вашего любимца. Хозяйка Муси взяла ее на руки...

Блин, Анжела была зачетной «телкой».
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